I’m tired of being told how to live my life. I’m tired of being told what to believe. I’m tired of being treated like the plague because I chose not to date. I’m tired of being harassed because I don’t dress like everyone else. I’m tired of being pressured on how to act. I’m tired of people trying to label me. I’m tired of being an outcast because I’m a product of my father. This is my life. And it will never change. It’s sad to hear this come out of me. But it’s true. This is my life and let me tell you why.
I remember hating my parents when I was growing up. I know hate is a strong word. But let me continue. They never let me be like the other kids. They never let me act like the other kids. They never let me participate in the things the other kids did for fun. Because of my fathers impact on the town in which I lived. The Teachers hated me. The parents told me to stay away from their kids. Needless to say I became a social reject in all ways. When I became home schooled it got worse. It was no longer just the teachers, the parents, and the bystanders that hated me. It was the same kids that I wanted to be like, that turned on me. In one point in my life I was even considered a freak, By the people I thought were my friends. I began to stay at home. I only went out with my parents. Even though I hated them. They were my only protection from the outside world. And in a way I even closed myself up from them. Time passed and we packed up and left that place, And started a new life. I guess your starting to think this story will brighten up? Don’t hold your breath. It was 7 months later that I made contact with the outside world. I met some new people. My first thought was, this is my chance to be liked! They don’t know anything about me. It was going fine for awhile, But little things started to happen. I started changing into someone else. A little change in my behavior here.
A little change in my attitude there. And before I knew it I almost crossed the line. My parents noticed the change in me. They didn’t pay much attention in the beginning. But later they noticed something was wrong. They started telling me about their concerns. Be on the look out with them. They will only bring you down. I’d get angry. What’s wrong with my friends now? Aren’t you happy that I’m being accepted? My attitude got worse. I was fighting with my mom constantly. I was picking fights with my father to see how far he would go. I was getting grounded more. I was daring them to try to destroy my life again. I know, Your probably thinking this isn’t the person I know! If you look at me now you wouldn’t see that. But that was me. The bottom line is. I gave my parents Hell! And I enjoyed it. I tried to see how far they would go, if I pushed them enough. I got into witchcraft. I tried getting a boyfriend. I went places I shouldn’t have gone. I started stealing. I picked up bad language, And used it regularly. I even tried to sneak out of the house. But that’s not all the stuff I tried and got into. And the list gets bigger. And then one day it dawned on me. Like I just got smacked upside the head with a cinder block. What have I become? I realized then I became someone I never wanted to be. I realized all the fighting with my parents was in vain. They were trying to protect me from who I became. I stopped hating them. With their help I got out of the things I was into. Things looked like they were going good with my friends. But they started dropping away like flies. They told me that I changed. That they liked me the way I was before. That’s when I locked myself away from the world again.
The world became a place where dreams were shattered.. It hurt for so long. I was screaming inside, “what’s wrong with me!? What have I done to be treated like this?” I just wanted to be accepted for me. I asked myself, “is that so hard to do?” I had no one to talk to but my family. They were the ones that supported me. And I realized that I wouldn’t have that if I did what society wanted me to do. It’s not the world that shatters dreams. It’s the people in society that ruin your hopes. I learned that the hard way. I saw what drugs could do to a person. I watched them fade away. I saw what alcohol abuse could do to someone. I watched the craving they could never satisfy grow, until it was to late. I saw what a relationship with a guy before marriage could do to a girl. And it all started with a girl dressing the way society wanted her to. I saw her labeled a slut, whore, ho, you name it. Because my friend got pregnant. Her life was destroyed. But his wasn’t. I saw how much society had an impact on people, They say, “You need to be this size, lose this much here, Gain that much there, you need to look this way” I watched what that could do to a person. I watched them laying in a hospital bed, Holding onto life by a thread, Because their insides were eaten away. And I look back and realized. I wanted to be like that. Just because I wanted to be liked! No, the correct word is accepted! I wanted to be accepted. Now 18 years later I realize, I will never be accepted by society. I accept that. And I am now free. I don’t need their acceptance.. The only acceptance I need is from my Lord, Jesus Christ. The only acceptance I want is from my family. Because I will always have them. They are the ones who will be there when I fall. They are the ones who will be there to help me get back on my feet. And they are all I need.
With the Lord in the front leading the way. With my family by my side for support. I am free to be myself in all ways. I can live my life the way I want to. I can express myself the way I want to. I can believe what I want to. Without fear of being rejected by the people who matter the most to me. I can just be me. I can be an individual. I can be different. I still am an outcast, in this world. But I’m no longer ashamed of that now. I still have trust issues with people. I still question everyone’s motives I come in contact with. And I still have my insecurities. But who doesn’t. I love my parents with all my heart. Even when I hated them. And I thank God that He blessed me with them. Looking back now through all the hard times I’ve been through. And all the things I’ve seen. This is my life. This will always be apart of my life. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. Because I found myself and who I am. I’m not gonna apologize to anyone because I’m different. And not even for being myself. I apologize to my parents for the hell I put them through. I pray for forgiveness for my stupidity all those years. But through that I found myself. And to the people who know me now. You now know the reason why I am the way I am. Now here’s my question to you. Will you be like the people who turned on me for being myself? Or will you extend grace and accept me the way I am?
By, Cheryl L. Eutsler